ellienihon: (Default)
"Ask yourself what you will do with the energy you no longer squander in fear, worry or stress? What new kind of power does it bring you to have a feeling of security? Share with others how you are doing it. Express your passion in an abundant way."
from Tarot.com

And yet again this question comes up. It's amazing how much insecurity I have about the prospect of letting go of fear and worry. What a wonderful paradox.
ellienihon: (Default)
I am finding it interesting to work in an office with two supervisors who are both straight femmes. Clothes and shoes are a major topic of conversation at the office. These are intelligent ladies, but they really care about not wearing the same clothes in front of their dates/partners. This is just foreign to me. The chemists at my last job weren't like that, or perhaps it was just that we didn't interact quite as much. Anyway, I dress in slacks and collared shirts most days, and frequently feel like I am not much of a 'girl'.

I have had questions about gender come up more often as I become more aware. There are times when I do feel girly and enjoy dressing up and want to look pretty. Generally, I don't care as long as I stay clean-- I don't want to jump in the mud unless I have my play clothes on. But more than just the doing parts, I some times feel an energy that is more masculine. And I find that it comes up more in this environment. It's not an aggressive energy, but more protective and indulgent.

Anyway, just wanted to reflect on this a bit.

Misty rain

Feb. 28th, 2006 06:42 am
ellienihon: (onbu tp)
The night was foggy as I rode home tonight, and there was just a bit of rainmist. Not enough to put up an umbrella, in fact, I doubt an umbrella would have done much good. It felt as though the fog was precipitating on my skin, little pricks of water. It made my glasses blurry, but I really enjoyed the ride. The weather is milder now, although it's early for spring. I can ride without my gloves.

I went to see a friend-acquaintance perform tonight. She played the piano with another woman (4 hands, one piano). At the concert hall, I went down in the elevator with a woman, and we started talking. She was quite friendly, and we had to wait before entering the hall (the concert was in progress), so we chatted. We ended up sitting together and going for coffee afterwards. It was a good conversation. It makes me kind of sad that I'm going home and probably won't see her again. We did exchange information though, so who knows?

Lately there have been many little incidences that are reminding me why I like Japan. I went for an hour long bike ride yesterday, almost all the way to one of my schools. I really enjoy riding through the rice fields. I took two pictures; of the rice fields on one side, and a factory on the other side of the river from the same location. Part of me wonders why I couldn't enjoy things like this 9 months ago. I know the answer to that though. Part is the security of knowing I'm going to be home and back with my chosen family soon. The other part is that I needed to get turned inside out with that relationship in order to become willing to work my program again. And man, does that make a difference. I'm so, so grateful that I can have this time and enjoy it.
ellienihon: (Default)
There were some neighborhood people that came to school(safety volunteers; think adult crossing guards). One of them had a beagle. I was petting the dog, and talking to it's human while the students got organized to say goodbye and go home. I love beagles. Then, a student came over and asked me, "Were you talking to the dog?"

I thought it was cute.

I'm just feeling talkative in general today. This is an edit, since I had another scene I wanted to remember. I had dinner at an acquaintance's house. I taught her son some English before he went to LA last year. He's back now, and it was neat to see him. They also hosted my parents for 2 days when they visited. She acts very motherly toward me. So, it was time for me to go home. I came on my bike, and am used to tooling around at any time of day or night. She insisted that I wasn't going to go home alone, and had her son accompany me on his bicycle. lol There is no logic, there is only mothering.


ellienihon: (Default)

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