A Fresh Start

Investigators at a major research institution have discovered the
heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been
tentatively named Administratium (Ad). This new element has no protons
or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have
1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant
vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are
held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast
quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes
one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take
less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of
approximately 3 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a
reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice
neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.

In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over
time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably
become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron
promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is
formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This
hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass". You will
know it when you see it.